Not much is going on today. I had a buttload of things I could have done, but once again, I didn't do it. Tomorrow, Tina is off. We're supposed to get our bed put together (we were missing a wooden rail since the move...so we never put the bed together) now, there's no excuse. I'm tired of the blankets ending up on the floor so that HAS to happen tomorrow! I'll finally feel good about taking the comforter (feather) to the cleaners. I love the feel of clean sheets...I used to change the bed about 3-4 times a week at least, and now it's down to 1-2 times. Since we moved here, I've found that I don't do a lot of the things I used to do. I hate dust. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it. I used to dust at least 3 times a week. I'm lucky if I get it once a month. Ok, it might not be that bad, but I'll do it like once every two weeks. I used to be really anal about the bathroom. I'm really embarrassed to say that I don't get to it but once every two weeks. I don't know why I can't bring myself to do these things like I used to.

We're also supposed to do some yard work...the front yards' flower beds are being over run by grass. I see a few weeds starting to pop up. I'm hoping to get the car washed as well. That's another thing I let go of. We say we're going for a bike ride, I hope we have time.

Sorry to turn this into my "To Do List". I have so much crap I need to get done, I guess that's all I've got on my mind at the moment.

More tomorrow...maybe.

One Idiot Down, 10 Million More To Go

Well, this is going to be a vent...I'm so pissed off and so fucking stressed out! I don't even know where to begin. Let's see. Our friend Ralph has told me that he puts tabasco sauce in the mouth of his 4 year old grandson as a form of punishment. This to me, in conjunction to how he and his wife treat their own kids has just become too much for me to be a part of. There is just too much negativity in his life, his wife is a complete bitch-I REFUSE to be any where around her anymore, and just his way of thinking and how he's raising his kids. Oh, and he's racist. It just seems like the more I talk to him, the more I find out how disfunctional his whole family is and I can't take it anymore! It's getting harder and harder to hold my tongue and not say anything.

Today, I got asked to watch his grandson two days a week. I know he would benefit from the one on one attention that I can give him, but there's just too much drama that's tied with it. I just can't. This kid is way too violent, and to this point has gotten away with murder, and I know his mom doesn't acknowledge there's a problem with how she's handling him and it won't ever change even if I'm working with him. It would impact my family in a negative way and I just can't have it. I guess I struggle with that because I feel like it makes me a bad person to say no to this child that I KNOW is coming from a bad environment.

So, I guess that's what is causing me so much anxiety. I need to tell myself to put myself first and step away from the negative influences in my life. It's ok to say no and not compromise myself. Right?

I like to think of myself as an upbeat person. Compassionate, optimistic. When I talk to him, I can literally feel myself wilting away. There are times I have to bite my tongue because I feel like yelling into the phone, "You fucking idiot! What gives you the right to treat your kids like shit!!? It's idiots like you that should be sterilized." I don't know about you, but I don't think you should be having those thoughts about the people you call your friends. Right? I have reevaluated our friendship and have come to the conclusion that he is not someone who's opinion I value, I feel myself going into a rage quite often when I talk to him, it's stressing me out, he truly is an idiot, and I see my stress level going down by eliminating him from my life. Having said that, I hope I don't wake up a monster tomorrow morning.

Well, Dang It Anyway

So, my Mom left about 1o days early. She says it's because she didn't realize all the things she left undone in El Paso, but I call bullshit. I don't know if she just got bored or what? When she got here, she was sick for about 5 days so we couldn't do anything. We didn't get anywhere close to doing the baby's room.

Tina's in Green Bay. She's due back late tomorrow night. I totally thought I'd be having a "Risky Business" moment tomorrow. You know, the part where Tom Cruise comes out dancing in his underwear to the song "Old Time Rock and Roll"...? That was supposed to be me tomorrow. I let the house go to crap since Tina left, so I guess I'll be cleaning instead.

I am so pooped out. I gotta go to bed. Later Gators.

Mom's Coming For a Visit

My Mom will be here today, which means I really shouldn't be on the computer. But, if you know me, you'll know I'm the master at procrastination...so the house cleaning will just have to wait. I certainly hope this visit goes better than the last. I don't know if we're just too much alike or if it was the Clomid I was taking, but it was a rough visit. Perhaps she stayed too long? When it was time for her to leave, I was more than ready. That was in the very first part of December. It's taken me this long to miss her and want her to be back. Horrible, I know.

This visit, I'm hoping will be productive. One thing I can say about my Mom is that she is very resourceful and likes to create. I'm hoping we can put the nursery/kids' room together while she's here. She thinks we'll be able to do both rooms, but we'll have to see about that. I'm so excited about getting even one step closer to being a Foster Mom!! I think Tina and are going to be awesome at it!! I can't wait!

Well, I guess this is enough for now. One of the girls from my Foster Parent Buddy Group has a potential placement today. I hope she gets the call. I know they're gonna be awesome parents!

Part Two

Ok, Some day, I will figure this out. I hope it's today. I wrote about about a month ago and for some reason, it didn't post. That was about a month ago. I was so frustrated I didn't come back. I wanted to, but I guess I didn't feel like spending my energy to just have it not show. We'll see how this one works out.

First thing I wanted to say was that on January 20th an ex boyfriend of mine died. The damage he did to his body by drinking had finally taken their toll. The last time I saw him, I never would have recongized him if I didn't ask to specifically see him. We hadn't dated each other in years, and he was aware of my sexual orientation change, we had remained friends since I was 14 years old. I'm 31 now, so you do the math. We weren't the kind of friends that called each other every day...more like when I came into town, I'd look him up. We'd take a drive through the country and talk about what might have been, what it was then, and what we'd like to see in our futures. The last time I saw him, I did my best not to let on that I was shocked by his appearance. The man I knew to be big and strong had become frail and sullen. In my dreams, he was always my hero-wrapping his tree trunks around me and enveloping me in his embrace. In my dreams, he was my protector. When I finally made it to see him, I was hoping for this strong man to take me in his arms and shelter me the way he always had. Instead, he was ashamed of his appearance. I had embarrassed him by just showing up. He didn't say it, but I could tell. I could tell he was genuinely happy that I had found someone who was a good provider (by Fabens standards, this is very important) and that I seemed happy. The thing I have always come to respect about Freddie is that he never seemed to judge me. I know that we probably would have ended up together if he could have stopped drinking and if I wasn't gay. By the way...all he ever drank was Budweiser. Never hard liquor, never Bud Lite. Granted he drank A LOT of Budweiser, but he was only 38 years old.

I went back the following year but decided against seeing Freddie. I tell myself that I didn't want to embarrass him, but I know it's because I didn't know if I could hold up if he looked any worse than the last time. He was such a magnificent man, so tall, handsome, and strong. Smart, too. I don't think he wanted me to see him the way he was the last few years. But now, I wish I had. There was so much I wanted to tell him. It didn't really matter that he was sick or that his appearance had changed. He'd forever be my hero, and when I dream of him, he's still as handsome as ever. That I love him. I have always loved him. We never came out and said that to each other, but he told me he did in his way, and I believed him. I know he knows that I loved him, too. We never talked about what went wrong. Fred was the type of guy that would never try to stop me from doing anything. When I would leave Fabens and go to Montana, he never tried to stop me from going. I guess he always knew I'd come back and I would find him. He always said that if I wanted to stay, I would. He was a firm believer in what was meant to be would be. If he had asked me to stay, I probably would have, but eventually I would have left. I guess he knew that. Part of me wants to say that perhaps he just didn't care and I am giving myself too much credit. But I know him. He loved me.