Part Two

Ok, Some day, I will figure this out. I hope it's today. I wrote about about a month ago and for some reason, it didn't post. That was about a month ago. I was so frustrated I didn't come back. I wanted to, but I guess I didn't feel like spending my energy to just have it not show. We'll see how this one works out.

First thing I wanted to say was that on January 20th an ex boyfriend of mine died. The damage he did to his body by drinking had finally taken their toll. The last time I saw him, I never would have recongized him if I didn't ask to specifically see him. We hadn't dated each other in years, and he was aware of my sexual orientation change, we had remained friends since I was 14 years old. I'm 31 now, so you do the math. We weren't the kind of friends that called each other every day...more like when I came into town, I'd look him up. We'd take a drive through the country and talk about what might have been, what it was then, and what we'd like to see in our futures. The last time I saw him, I did my best not to let on that I was shocked by his appearance. The man I knew to be big and strong had become frail and sullen. In my dreams, he was always my hero-wrapping his tree trunks around me and enveloping me in his embrace. In my dreams, he was my protector. When I finally made it to see him, I was hoping for this strong man to take me in his arms and shelter me the way he always had. Instead, he was ashamed of his appearance. I had embarrassed him by just showing up. He didn't say it, but I could tell. I could tell he was genuinely happy that I had found someone who was a good provider (by Fabens standards, this is very important) and that I seemed happy. The thing I have always come to respect about Freddie is that he never seemed to judge me. I know that we probably would have ended up together if he could have stopped drinking and if I wasn't gay. By the way...all he ever drank was Budweiser. Never hard liquor, never Bud Lite. Granted he drank A LOT of Budweiser, but he was only 38 years old.

I went back the following year but decided against seeing Freddie. I tell myself that I didn't want to embarrass him, but I know it's because I didn't know if I could hold up if he looked any worse than the last time. He was such a magnificent man, so tall, handsome, and strong. Smart, too. I don't think he wanted me to see him the way he was the last few years. But now, I wish I had. There was so much I wanted to tell him. It didn't really matter that he was sick or that his appearance had changed. He'd forever be my hero, and when I dream of him, he's still as handsome as ever. That I love him. I have always loved him. We never came out and said that to each other, but he told me he did in his way, and I believed him. I know he knows that I loved him, too. We never talked about what went wrong. Fred was the type of guy that would never try to stop me from doing anything. When I would leave Fabens and go to Montana, he never tried to stop me from going. I guess he always knew I'd come back and I would find him. He always said that if I wanted to stay, I would. He was a firm believer in what was meant to be would be. If he had asked me to stay, I probably would have, but eventually I would have left. I guess he knew that. Part of me wants to say that perhaps he just didn't care and I am giving myself too much credit. But I know him. He loved me.